Resumes That Didn't Work

*Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International* 


I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms. 

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 

It's best for employers that I not work with people. 

Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 

I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 

I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. 
No commitments. 

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond 
to my resume on my office voice mail. 

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and 
absolutely nothing. 

My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in 
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. 

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. 

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. 

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. 

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have 
never quit a job. 

Marital status: often. Children: various. 

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees 
gettowork by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those 
conditions. 

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous 
employers. 

Finished eighth in my class of ten. 

References:  None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.