Philosophy 101 
  
  
 Never raise your hands to your kids, it leaves your groin unprotected. 
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 I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. 
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 I am in shape. Round's a shape! 
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 I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 
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 Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 
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 I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 
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 Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? 
 But 
 when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 
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 Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and 
 anyone going faster is a maniac. 
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 You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a 
 day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. 
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 The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be 
 caught dead in otherwise. 
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 Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a 
bank robbery has just taken place. 
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 I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every 
 other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the 
 locks, they are always locking three. 
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 The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is 
 suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best 
 friends. If they are okay, then it's you. 
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 Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains; a pretty violent 
 image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all 
 over it, maybe laundry isn't you biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of 
 the body before you do the wash. 
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 I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say 
 because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother 
 is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. 
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 A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?", she sneered. I replied in a 
 psychotic tone, I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have 
to kill you too." 
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 Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the 
 Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton 
 Adult Bookstore. 
  
  
  
  
 99% of all questions answer themselves if one considers the context in 
 which they're asked... 
  
 Without faith, it is impossible to please GOD; without love, one cannot 
 become a whole person... 
  
 To get good at ANYTHING in this life, no matter what it is, requires... 
 Practice... 
  
  
  
  
  
  
 99% of all questions answer themselves if one considers the context in 
 which they're asked... 
  
 Without faith, it is impossible to please GOD; without love, one cannot 
 become a whole person... 
  
 ...It's not about the having of; it's about beig fulfilled by the God of 
 my understanding, in YOU... 
  
 To get good at ANYTHING in this life, no matter what it is, requires... 
 Practice...