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TO MY DEAR WIFE, 


During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have 


succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The 


following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 


54 times the sheets were clean 


17 times it was too late 


49 times you were too tired 


20 times it was too hot 


15 times you pretended to be asleep 


22 times you had a headache 


17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 


16 times you said you were too sore 


12 times it was the wrong time of the month 


19 times you had to get up early 


9 times you said weren't in the mood 


7 times you were sunburned 


6 times you were watching the late show 


5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do 


3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 


9 times you said your mother would hear us 


Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 


times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the 


ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I 


had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had 


hurt you because I felt you move. 


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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: 


I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't 


get more than you did: 


5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat 


36 times you did not come home at all 


21 times you didn't cum 


33 times you came too soon 


19 times you went soft before you got in 


38 times you worked too late 


10 times you got cramps in your toes 


29 times you had to get up early to play golf 


2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 


4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 


3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 


2 times you had a splinter in your finger 


20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 


6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 


98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV 


Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you 


missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in 


the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or 


kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was 


trying to breathe.