I'm Glad I'm a Woman



I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am 

I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam 

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections 

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions 

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown 

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! 

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt 

my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut 

and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch 

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch 

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind 

I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! 

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing 

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting 

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back 

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack 

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb 

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome 

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side 

I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! 

And I honestly think its a privilege for me 

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee 

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball 

I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal 

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand 

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band 

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep 

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! 

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see 

you can forget all about that old penis envy 

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks 

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick 

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true 

I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!