40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN 

  

  1) NOT KISSING FIRST. 

  Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes

  her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your

  money's worth by cutting out nonessentials.  A proper passionate kiss

  is the ultimate form of foreplay. 

   

  2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. 

  Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this.  Well, there's

  a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to

  extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake.  That hurts. 

  

  3) NOT SHAVING. 

  You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin

  which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. 

  When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's

  avoidance 

  

  4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. 

  Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they

  get their hand on a pair.  Stroke, caress and smooth them. 

  

  5) BITING HER NIPPLES. 

  Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like

  they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?  Nipples are

  highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing.  Lick and suck them

  gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good.  Pretending they're

  a dogie toy isn't. 

  

  6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. 

  Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between

  finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a

  hilly area. Focus on the whole breast, not just the exclamation 

  points. 

  

  7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. 

  A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:

  Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.  There are vast

  areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go

  bombing straight into downtown Vagina.  So start paying them some   attention. 

  

  8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. 

  Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in

  tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that

  aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off. 

  

  9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. 

  Condom disposal is the man's responsibility.  You wore it,

  you store it. 

  

  10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. 

  Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers

  along side of the clitoris. 

  

  11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. 

  Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off.  If you

  stop, they plummet back to square one very fast.  If you can tell

  she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. 

  

  12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. 

  Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when

  naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head.  Unwrap her

  like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. 

  

  13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. 

  Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the

  material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. 

  

  14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. 

  Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still

  believe that the vagina is where it's all at.  No sooner is your hand

  down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney.

   This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt -

  so don't get carried away.  It's best to pay more attention to her

  clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a

  finger inside her and see if she likes it. 

  

  15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. 

  You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to

  get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees

  are not. 

  

  16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. 

  Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made

  some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a

  couple of buttons. 

  

  17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. 

  A man in socks and underpants is a man at his worst. Lose the

  socks first. 

  

  18) GOING TOO FAST. 

  When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you

  can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel

  like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build

  up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts. 

  

  19) GOING TOO HARD. 

  If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or

  stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding 

  concentrated into a few seconds. 

  

  20) CUMING TOO SOON. 

  Every man's fear. With reason.  If you shoot before you see

  the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure

  her

  pleasure too. 

  

  21) NOT CUMING SOON ENOUGH. 

  It may appear to you that humping for an hour without

  climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the

  mark of a numb vagina.  At least buy some intriguing wall hangings,

  so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing

  Marathon Man. 

  

  22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. 

  You really ought to be able to tell.  Most women make noise. 

  But if you really don't know, don't ask. 

  

  23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. 

  Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your

  whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or

  flicking your tongue on her clitoris. 

  

  24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. 

  Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that

  it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis.  All women hate this. 

  It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. 

  If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively

  to her. 

  

  25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. 

  Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white.  Not

  everybody likes it.  When she's performing oral sex, warn her before

  you come so she can do what's necessary. 

  

  26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. 

  Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio.  You

  just lie there.  And don't grab her head. 

  

  27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. 

  In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate

  over them.In real life, it just means more laundry to do. 

  

  28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. 

  Asking her to be on top is fine.  Lying there grunting while

  she does all the hard work is not.  Caress her gently, so that she

  doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner.  And let

  her have a rest. 

  

  29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. 

  This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to

  follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first.  And

  don't think that being drunk is an excuse. 

  

  30) TAKING PICTURES. 

  When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the

  words "__to show my buddies."  At least let her have custody of

  them. 

  

  31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. 

  Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to

  pouring honey on her and licking it off.  Fruit, vegetables, ice and

  feathers 

  are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no. 

  

  32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. 

  There is no less erotic noise.  It's as sexy as a belching contest. 

  

  33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. 

  If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless

  she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious.  Ask yourself if

  you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings. 

  

  34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. 

  Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men

  because they have a prostate.  Women don't. 

  

  35) GIVING LOVE BITES. 

  It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides

  of the neck, if you do it carefully.  No woman wants to have to wear

  turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end. 

  

  36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. 

  Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's

  not a big turn-on. 

  

  37) TALKING DIRTY. 

  It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 

  1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know. 

  

  38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. 

  You have to finish the job.  Keep on trying until you get it

  right,and she might even do the same for you. 

  

  39) SQUASHING HER. 

  Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a

  bit too heavily, she will turn blue. 

  

  40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you.  Your

  bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

  

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