The 5 questions most feared by men are: 
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 -----The 5 questions most feared by men are: 
 1. What are you thinking about? 
 2. Do you love me? 
 3. Do I look fat? 
 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 
 5. What would you do if I died? 
 
 What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is 
 guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers 
 incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, 
 each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. 
 
 Question # 1: What are you thinking about? 
 The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been 
 pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, 
 thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am 
 to have met you." 
 
 This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, 
 which most likely is one of the following: 
 a. Baseball. 
 b. Football. 
 c. How fat you are. 
 d. How much prettier she is than you. 
 e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. 
 
 Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al 
 Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was 
 thinking, I would be talking to you!" 
 
 Question # 2: Do you love me? 
 The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed 
 answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: 
 a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. 
 b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? 
 c. That depends on what you mean by love. 
 d. Does it matter? 
 e. Who, me? 
 
 Question # 3: Do I look fat? 
 The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 
 Among the incorrect answers are: 
 a. Compared to what? 
 b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. 
 c. A little extra weight looks good on you. 
 d. I've seen fatter. 
 e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking 
 about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 
 
 Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? 
 Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 
 Incorrect responses include: 
 a. Yes, but you have a better personality 
 b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner 
 c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age 
 d. Define pretty 
 e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about 
 how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 
 
 Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win 
 question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a 
 Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least 
 an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: 
 
 WOMAN: Would you get married again? 
 MAN: Definitely not! 
 WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married? 
 MAN: Of course I do. 
 WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 
 MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. 
 WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) 
 MAN: ( makes audible groan ) 
 WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? 
 MAN: Where else would we sleep? 
 WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace 
 them with pictures of her? 
 MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. 
 WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? 
 MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. 
 WOMAN: - - - silence - - - 
 MAN: Shit.