Funniest Personal Ads: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BABY BIRD / Fed up with watersports? Constrained by traditional dominant- submissive roles? Try a more nurturing role: feed me like a baby pelican! Both sexes welcome. I supply the raw herring, you bring the big strap-on beak. No weirdos. Minimalist seeks woman --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patriarch of up-and-coming religion seeks altar girl --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jane no good, Cheetah stinks. Tarzan seeks swinging GM to be the lord of his jungle. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SWM, old, fat, balding, many disgusting habits seeks SWF with money. Send pictures of your house, car, RV. This could be your lucky day. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello, I am Neil, 52-years old and single. I have a 12-year-old daughter that is my own, however, my former wife disappeared with her, two years ago somewhere in the Phillipines. I am an insurance agent and sold to myself large amounts of life insurance, which is very important now, in that I now have a spreading prostate cancer that is expected to kill me, within three years! #1715 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JELLO BOY-SWM who likes to slowly fold canned fruit into jello, seeks female partner for distinctly American activities. Dirty pigeons need not respond. Teleclub Ext. 40485 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Submissive male seeks dominant female with extensive knowledge of knots." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mix on the Beach Mix 1970 SWM Vodka, Hazel melon, Pineapple Blonde Juice, GL Rasberry Liqueur,NM Cranberry Juice. Shake with 20-30oz SF in ice in a tall NS glass. Drink Casually only. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1970 GMC w/Jet Skiis SWM, NM, GL, NS, SD, AC. Low mileage, custom paint, long sandy blonde graphics. 6'2" Lift. Bright hazel headlights will take 20-30 SF anywhere. Email for free test drive/ride. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Superboy seeks Clarke Kent. Come fly with me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hideous-looking, obese, smelly, ill-tempered, lazy, cowardly, chronic, and a complete liar seeks total opposite. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SWM into chainsaws and hockey masks seek likeminded SWF. No weirdos, please. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SWM seeks 300lb+ woman to sit and squash doughnuts on me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums. Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you-choking on my odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When I was thirty my dates had to be young, slim, tall, handsome, rich, intelligent. Now I'm 64, they only have to know how to read and use the telephone! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This knight in shining armor is seeking an audience with the queen. If you enjoy having a man that will make you dinner, a man who will sweep you off your feet, treat you to the world of never ending respect, with adventure, humor, kindness, relaxation, and love mixed in for a solid foundation, than perhaps you are the queen for me. The Knight requests a Queen who will dress to impress. I will bow at your feet. If I sound interesting or you have a wish to find the man of your dreams, look no further, your Knight in shining armor has arrived. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous blond interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the **** end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks an alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Other funny Ads: Advertisement in a music shop: Guitar, for sale....... Cheap........no strings attached. Ad.. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time! Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.